Presence of nothing

It has been over a week since the passing of my mom. Every day something happens and I reach for my phone to take a picture to send to her to tell her about it (like adding a coat rack, or doing something fun with the kids). I stop and realize - oh, I can’t. Or I think “I should call mom and ask...“ sigh... I can’t. It happens again and again. The only thing that seems to shine through that, is that I remember so many stories. I have this depressing painting (well, it’s like a copy of a painting, not an original) that hung above my parents bed for YEARS. My mom’s mom hated it. She thought it was as dark as my parents marriage would be. My mom loved to see that, as a testament to how their marriage was the opposite of that photo. It hangs now above my piano. And I think about her and her story about it every day. It means a lot to me - to know these stories about my parents. Truthfully, as I sit here today - I realize that there are no dark or light times. There are just times. Because as good as today is supposed to be, as cheerful as the mood should be, it is not. A third cat has major issues and was at the vet today. There is no ’reset’, there is no ’hey, things were down, but they’ll get better.’ Those things (better/worse) are just words. Life (and death) just keeps pressing on regardless. If all 4 cats of mine were going to die this year, then that’s what’s going to happen. I am thankful for my family, as it is now, I certainly want the future to brighter, but as I enter my next decade, life has been abundantly clear - it doesn’t matter what we go through. There is no guarantee for good or bad. There are no ’bad years’ because every year can be bad. It can continue to go downward. We can only hope for good, for better. Rhodes Electric Piano #rhodespiano Moog Minimoog #minimoog Eventide Blackhole VST #strymon El cap (on minimoog) and DIG (on Rhodes)