The Female Gooning Epidemic

Female Gooning Epidemic Transcript: Female Gooning Epidemic Ok so today we are going to be talking about the female gooning epidemic and for those of you who aren’t aware of what gooning is let me quickly give you a rundown on what it entails. To put it bluntly gooning is the act of delaying the nut for as long as possible for the purpose of pleasure, its pretty vulgar to be honest but some people jokingly claim they can goon for hours at a time which just seems like the antithesis to good time keeping but what can you do eh. Now you might think that gooning is exclusively for the male gender but no I have a true story about female gooners that changed my whole perspective on what it means to be a gooner. Im about to bless you with some stoic stick lore and this will be in the test so make sure you have a pen and paper ready. It was last year in February near the release of the Puss in boots the last wish movie, my girlfriend at the time asked me if I wanted to go see it and I said yes because I saw some good reviews about it on twitter anyway fast forward to the cinema and she says she will buy the tickets and ill buy the snacks then when we get to the staff that checks our tickets they ask me for my ID which I was confused about so I asked them why would I need to have id it’s a 12 and the staffer just looked at me and then at my girlfriend I turn to her and she has the biggest ear to ear grin ive ever seen, look at the ticket in her hands and its not for puss in boots the last wish it was actually for magic mikes last dance, honestly I cant even blame her I fell for the old switcheroo and she played It masterfully, so I started laughing and gave the staff my ID and we walked into the screening room. The whole time I was thinking wow I cant believe ive been betrayed like this but in all honesty I wasn’t too bothered I just kept remembering that filthy frank quote “Ive watched magic mike 6 times and never popped a boner” so really I was just expecting to laugh at the ridiculousness of the film whilst there. So we sit down and while the seats are starting to fill up its 99% women and one dude plus me in the back with my girlfriend and her friend yea she was there too. It was a 7pm screening so im guessing some businesswomen were there too as some were in business casual clothing. So the movie starts to play and throughout the film I keep hearing this weird shuffling noise like the sound of clothes rubbing against eachother anyway I look to the left and i you not every single woman in the row was sitting cross legged and almost in turn they would just shuffle in their own seats, now maybe this is cos im a man but shuffling in your seat with your legs cross is such an unnatural movement so it was weird and I noticed that it was weird. Then I realised that whenever mike was on screen doing his thing there was more shuffling than usual. I even turned around and looked at the people behind all women all legs crossed all shuffling and then I realised what was going on, and then I started laughing. These women were gooning in a movie theatre about a male stripper just in public like no one would notice, maybe they thought that it was a safe space because realistically I wasn’t meant to be there but maybe fate decided that I needed to be graced with the knowledge that women love to goon, the thing is it was like a 2 hour movie and idk what they were planning to do about it, they were just cooking a whole pot of gumbo for no reason? Idk maybe they are just such hardcore gooners that they did it for the love of the game. When I first realised that they were gooning I lean in to girlfiriend and whisper my revelation and she has that same ear to ear grin as if she already knew that these women were gooning, she tells me to playfully shush and that I should just focus on the movie but how could I when I was non consensually forced to be in a goon sesh. This continues for the rest of the movie as Im forced to just sit there and endure whilst trying not to laugh out loud. the movie ends and the lights turn on and I remember just looking around and all the women there looked like everyday normal women not some weird goon addicted freaks. And ever since that day I was wise to the female gooning epidemic. Now that was a year ago and its only gotten worse, since then I have heard about the underground goon trade that is booktok, booktok is a pretty large community within tiktok that revolves around talking about reading and recommending books to eachother, its mostly women who are involved with booktok and this doesn’t sound that bad you might say, well it’s the content of the books that they read that makes it a lil weird. Its 95% smut and softcore corn if we are being honest and because its tiktok they circumnavigate the content filters on tiktok by referring to a books spiciness level as to the level of its