Simply Everyone’s Taking Cocaine by Murray Lachlan Young (read by Tom O’Bedlam)

You can fill your iPod with Murray Lachlan Young’s performances here at Amazon: And here’s Murray himself performing it: For our long-lost transatlantic cousins: “Khyber Pass“ is rhyming slang for arse. “Fireman’s Helmet“ refers to the male reproductive organ. To “gurn“ is to pull faces - e.g. like Jim Carrey “Cocaine Nights“ is a novel by J.G. Ballard The painting came from here: Cocaine, the soft drink, contains medicinal compounds which promote alertness and well-being but, actually, no cocaine. From Mayfair to Morden from Soho to Sidcup From Richmond to Dalston through old Regents park From Borough to Bayswater, Crouchend to Clapham. From Debden to Tooting beneath Marble arch. There are daughters of ministers children of clergy There are amiable honorables barristers verging On every single section of today’s society Have thrown figs to the wind and embraced with such glee The most wonderful pastime to have come around in years Yes policemen and plumbers, road sweepers and peers Simply everyone’s taking Cocaine Well last weekend I rode the Millennium wheel From above and beneath I heard giggle and squeal For instead of enjoying fine views all about All the tourists were busily racking them out Even those from the west of Ukraine Simply everyone’s taking Cocaine In the marathon runners are running with glee With a vigour quite plain for spectators to see It’s a marvel how thousands have slashed at their times By at regular intervals hoofing a line They’ve been stoking it up like a train Simply everyone’s taking cocaine Well I saw a young fireman helmet in hand With a placard declaring “We need thirty grand“. When I asked him to justify such an increase He said, “we have to buy it - unlike the police“ Then he left for his villa in Spain Saying everyone’s taking cocaine Well I saw Fizzy Sipworth attempting to eat Inexplicably missing the most of her teeth I said Fizzy you’re gummy what gives you old wag She said “Snorting Peruvian from the pound bag“ Then she laughed like a Portuguese drain Simply everyone’s taking cocaine Well I saw Aunty Millie, her nose in a cast I asked how would she manage her hourly blast She said, “Needs must, dear boy, though it may seem a farce I’ve been having it blown up the old Khyber Pass By an elderly friend from Bahrain“ Simply everyone’s taking Cocaine Uncle Percy set off on his great expedition I said. “Percy you look in the peak of condition“ “Quite so dear boy I’m a jack in the box Since I purchased a sack of Bolivian rocks From a couple I met on a plane “ Simply everyone’s taking Cocaine In the jungle old Percy’s supply was near done He said this lack of chang is impeding my fun When a bearer discovered the wreck of a plane Fairly stuffed to the gunnels with bales of Cocaine For a year did he chatter and gurn. His remains were returned in an urn Well the vicar proclaimed it the poorest of taste To be scattering ashes all over the place And if, as he suspected, the powder were pure “We should snort the old goat off the rectory floor“ So he chopped out old Percy in lines Well at first Aunty Millie declined But she quickly gave in when the reverend stepped in And assured her that Percy would waggle his chin If he heard that his very last blast Was a trip up the old Khyber Pass. Then we all shouted, “Hip Hip Hooray!“ Simply everyone’s taking Cocaine For bus drivers are tooting it Jockey’s are hoofing it DJ’s are spinning it Gamblers winning it Forces manoeuvring it Cleaners are hoovering it Models are booked on it Anglers hooked on it Pensioners drawing it Footballers scoring it Technicians miking it PA’s are biking it Producers are trying it AnR men denying it Publishers collecting it Lawyers protecting it Artists are begging it Some of them pegging it It seems like it’s simple there’s no one to blame For the whole of this nation is taking Cocaine Simply everyone’s taking Cocaine Oh how gay it all seems and how bright we all are How much fun we are having and Oh what a lark To have blistering jousting and sharp repartee Oh please less less, less, about you And please more, more, more, about me!